Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Generation gap…
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
This classic never gets old . . .
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box