[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
LOL
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Worlds greatest photobomb
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen