let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
how many bears make up a bear minimum
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn