it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire