Me after 1 airport cocktail:
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guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE