If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY – my mom
If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”
DOES HOLY WATER WORK ON OBNOXIOUS CHILDREN
Going to meet my daughter’s kindergarten teacher tonight. Her name is Miss Cox. Not sure I’m mature enough for this situation.
I can’t help but notice that the Ninja Turtles never wash their hands before eating pizza in the sewer.