At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
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“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
#inspiration #foodforthought
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang