just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.