john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
executioner: you may choose your punishment
executioner: no, like a weapon
me: oh. spearmint
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?