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Page of mister_blank's best tweets

@mister_blank : waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

@mister_blank: picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

@mister_blank: executioner: you may choose your punishment

me: peppermint

executioner: no, like a weapon

me: oh. spearmint

@mister_blank: when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like 'the average weight of joy' or 'seven sunsets' to teach her that life often doesn't make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

@mister_blank: [at an umpire's funeral]

me: i'm so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!