Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”