I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it