I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?