Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.