I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR