I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic