Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.