If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone