[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now