I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist