ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”