due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.