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Page of mjkspeaks's best tweets

@mjkspeaks : due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

@mjkspeaks: [call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

@mjkspeaks: [Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.

@mjkspeaks: [interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

@mjkspeaks: [at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

@mjkspeaks: a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

@mjkspeaks: [argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out

@mjkspeaks: [hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

@mjkspeaks: ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

@mjkspeaks: [at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.