Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.