*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
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SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Unimpressed
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
guilty
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.