my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.