If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.