[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
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My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.