[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?