Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.