Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
forgive me baja for i have blast
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Unimpressed
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach