I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.