Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.