Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
