deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.