Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.