[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?