I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???