About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I feel this so hard
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.