Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of momjeansplease's best tweets

@momjeansplease : ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@momjeansplease: Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?

@momjeansplease: Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

@momjeansplease: Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

@momjeansplease: [hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@momjeansplease: COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

@momjeansplease: Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

@momjeansplease: *Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

@momjeansplease: BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

@momjeansplease: Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog... and it shows.