You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.