@momjeansplease

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

@momjeansplease

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

@momjeansplease

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@momjeansplease

Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?

@momjeansplease

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

@momjeansplease

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@momjeansplease

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.