@momjeansplease: Who would win in a race? A cheetah, the fastest animal on land, or my kid who I just asked what he put in his mouth?
@momjeansplease: Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
@momjeansplease: Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
@momjeansplease: [hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
@momjeansplease: COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
@momjeansplease: *Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
@momjeansplease: BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
@momjeansplease: Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog... and it shows.