People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic