I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.