Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.