At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips