Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.