We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.