I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.