One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.