You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.