Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?