Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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oh shit
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Did…did a minotaur write this
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.