If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
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My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries