*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
You Might Also Like
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?